Made for me

I have been listening to Ungu song lately... the song tercipta untuk ku... which roughly translated as 'Made for me'

Its time to disclose some pitiful (as IF) facts of me..

I had some love interests all these years.. sadly it never works.
I dunno if its because of me... some body said it was. I tend to ignore these comments, because I have several guy friends... we still good buddies.. so I dun think it was me.

So my friend and I was actually talking about this stuff... I dunno if there were guys out there who actually want to be my boyfie... I hope ada lah... ahahha I am not bad looking.. am I?!1 *shock* [distraction]

My point is... they were several friends who sed there were these guys who were interested... my reaction to that was always negative.

I went haywire over such information. My brain started to play its proz and conz... thinking what if its not true? what if its true? am i ready? should i like him too? what if he's disappointed after knowing me? what if my parents found out? wat if it won't last?

These questions always play around in my head.... Usually the cons took over my rationalities... so I back out. I am a chicken after all... I called it 'Commitophobic'... a dilemma.. afraid of commit. But is it?

I am getting tired of ppl asking me... 'what? u r still single? wats wrong? I am sure there are a lot of guys out there.. what happen?'

Like... DUDEEEEE IF I KNEW WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM, I WONT BE SINGLE NOW... WOULD I??

but I didnt answer that way... I will usually go 'oo i thought u r going to propose me'.... or 'get in in line buddy, I am still considering the 99th person'.... or 'Bah.. find me one laaaa'... it was never serious... never

But there were once.. it really did affect my confidence. A couple of friends, who are quite close to me... attack without mercy. They said 'Jim.. u r just putting ur standards too high'. At first it felt nothing... but after 3 days, from several ppl... it became unbearable. My confidence collapsed, my tears became too hard to bear. I told my boss, suddenly I felt ill so need to excuse. She allowed it. She probably sensed the sudden change of behaviour in me. Iliterally fled downstairs.... and cried in my car. I cried so much... that my chest started to pain. I dialled my best friend's hp... I didn't talk for minutes.... I hiccuped a lot.... I can't believe that I can actually cried dat much, as if somebody died on that day... somebody that really close to me.

I told my best friend.. she was shock to actually heard me cried.. as I never cried before. I always shows my strong side... the side which no one can bully. She was concerned.

So I asked her.... 'Did I really set the standards too high?'
She answered .... 'I dun think its wrong to be picky. Everyone have the right to be choosey..'
' Not every one then. Some ppl think I am VERY choosy... I dun even know why? I never even realised I am setting standards on guys.... I never even bother to think like wise. I am just being me... I trust ppl to choose me for who I am. I dun want to change.'

So the talk continued. She said some valid stuff... everyone have the right to be choosey... the guy is afterall going to end up with u... he's going to be someone to stuck with u. He's going to be the one who should love watever I do... watever I think. He's the one who is going to make my heart flutter... make me go ga-ga over stupid stuff... who is going to hurt me most if he leave me...

I can sensed that I am a very romantic person. I would imagine my self who tried her best to win the guys and everyone important to him. I am going to wonder why he didn't call.. who is going to blame over everything... thats who I am going to be.

Right so to my future husband ... let me just sing this song for you. I can sing ok...

Menatap indahnya senyuman di wajah mu
Membuat ku terdiam dan terpaku

Mengerti akan hadirnya cinta terindah
Saat kau peluk mesra tubuhku

Banyak kata
Yang tak mampu ku ungkapkan
Kepada diri mu

Aku ingin engkau selalu
Hadir dan temani aku
Di setiap langkah
Yang meyakini ku
Kau tercipta untuk ku

Meski waktu akan mampu
Memanggil seluruh raga ku
Ku ingin kau tahu
Ku selalu milik mu
Yang mencintai mu
Sepanjang hidup ku

Sungguhhhhhh
Hanya lah diri mu
Yang aku cintai
dan Sunggguhhhhhhh
Ke kan di sisi mu
hingga ku mati...