Lately I've been listening to this song by Sheila on 7 called 'Alasan ku' ... which translated as My Excuse?? My Reason?? Hahahaha
Anyway, it got me thinking... (nope...nothing new here). I mean I think a lot, and I think its fair... its a natural process.. its called growing up!
I used to remember my self back then, being a very shy and timid child. Dun start to laugh, cos its all true. I dun normally talk with others, I love to imagine stuff... especially being in a drama. I love to read books and let my imagination run wild. In Primary 5, I started to write stories... love stories and sad stories most of the time. I can still remember all those stories, and sometimes, when I did some clean up in my room, I stumbled upon those stories I used to write and actually quite impressed with my self. Hehehe.... some of those stories never ended...
And then there's come love... the source of my inspiration! I am never lucky in love... never once... maybe because I am the shy girl. I tend to end up as a 'guy friend' rather than the 'girl friend'. I still think about this though, and it is still a mystery to me. I choose not to dwell on it, cos I finally understood that, once you too focus on something, you tend to ignore others....
But I can't really forget my first love.. I think it was in primary 4. That boy is now married, but I was actually scarred by the past. Hahaha Now I think it was quite funny. How can I even think its love????? I actually sent out a love letter to this boy, captioning 'Pls dun show it to others' and yes of course being boys.. HE READ IT OUT LOUD TO THE CLASS. It was sooooo embarrassing.. I regretted my self by sending the love note. Silly me... y would a cute guy like dat, like me? I am hideous. I am smart and geeky. Not that pretty at all... those were all my thought. My brother actually saved me from my humiliation. So sweet of him. He took away those note and make it disappeared after it was passed throughout the class. Some girls actually laughed at me, but my peers, they sympathize me. Bless them. It took me years, the guts to confess my admiration to boys. Until now, I still remember him, and still very shy to say hi. Turn out to be, I am now a good friend to his cousin. Funny indeed.
I then moved to high school. Only some good friends ended up wif me. So I had to start new. I met new friends and love being friends with them. I love being around close friends. I still remembered my version of friendship is through giving. I gave my now best friend a bracelet which she gave to her sister. It actually caused a rift in our relationship. Soon I begin to understand, that in friendship, materials doesn't matter. Its the companionship, and I am so glad that she's still my bestest mate!!!
And as a plus.. more cuter guyssssss... but I was too shy to say I like them... so instead I rather be their friends. I do end up with some bastards, and some short-lived love. It makes me more... determined not to fall in love, as well as the continuous warnings from my parents and also afraid to be a rebel. Hahaha.
Apart from that, Education was my top priority, ever since primary school and it was up to high school.
Then I continued my study to Pre-U and it was my muckiest moment ever. I hated my school. I hated my self for being fat. I hated all those pretty and perfect girls!!! I've like a good guy friend from high school. I was quite close with him back in high school. I began to distant my self from him, cos he was so handsome n talented and because I hate my self, I stay away. Apparently, he said, he did like me since high school but began to realise that I am not giving him the ok sign ever, especially in pre-u. I was shocked. I am still in touch wif him now. He still bring up that 'Hehehe.. yatah ko jual mahal dulu...' and now he's happy wif another good friend of mine. What a small world. I do have some new close friends from Pre-U, and I am glad I still am a friend to them.
When I received my A level result, it was the most disappointing moment of my life. I literally blamed everyone about it. It has been my ambition to further my study to UK, but my grades prevented me from doing so. I was ashamed with everyone; with my family, my friends and my teachers. I felt that I have disappointed them by not able to go to UK. My best friend went to UK, all my close friend went to UK.
I began to resolute my self. I still want to go to UK. I check for alternative. UBD offered a twinning program to UK, so I applied for the position. I was accepted for Computer Science and now I have to begin a new life in University. I began to meet new friends, who in fact become my best buddies. Some of them were actually my old friend who I never once close with. Now we were so close, we wept together, we laughed together...
In Uni, they are several love interest:
1. A senior, who I fell in love with when I played Badminton. He was so adorable. I did manage to sms with him, but eventually gave up. I actually asked him to guess him who I was, by giving him several clues. He guessed wrong. He picked my pretty friend... I guess he never saw me. When I told him that was not me, he stopped replying to my sms. We smiled when we met in Uni, but he always bring this obnoxious girl with him, who always gave me a winning smile of 'Hey, I got him'. I do remember when he did try to say hi to me, but it was too late. I no longer have a feeling for him
2. There is this one guy, who never was in my radar.. hahaha. I noticed him because my friend told me that there is this one guy who looked like my first uni love interest. I began to see him and eventually I became attracted to him. I became his friend and eventually I became more attracted to him. He was funny and he has this really cute smile. I can't really recall how did I even begin to be his friend. I just did.
I confessed to him a day before I departed to UK. It was the hardest thing to do. I confessed via SMS. And he did say he liked me as well. So we began to contact one another when I went to UK. Somehow it didnt work out well. He began dating another girl and I felt betrayed actually. When I think back, we never really did say it was official. And that is when I started to re-like the 3rd guy.
3. I still remember the moment when I actually saw him. Also a senior of mine. It was during that time waiting for a class to start. We were standing outside the class, when suddenly I sawhim. I began to blush. He was so cute wearing that blue shirt. I told my friend about him and she said, he has been in the class for a while. I must so obsess with the first crush that I didn't notice him. I never did managed to say hi to him cos I was too shy. I only saw him from the back, never have the guts to say hello. I began to forget about him when I met the 2nd guy.
Eventually we went to UK and end up in the same class. I started to talk to him. I still remember this one time, where I hung out with him, and he began to ask me for advice with a girl problem.
Imagine this, liking him and actually advising him to go get the girl. I was crushed because I never do manage to tell him that I like him. I did once try to have a one-one movie outing with him, but it didnt work out, because he brought another guy. I still do, and I still think he's too far-fetched for me. He's good looking, and a good-hearted person. I wish all the best for him.
In UK, I enjoyed life to the max. I studied hard, but I partied harder!!! Not partied as in going to all the pubs et all, but I went to explore Scotland. I fell in love with Scotland. I fell in love with the fact that I can live on my own two feet! I began to appreciate my family more. After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I am determined to score high for my degree, which I did!!! I was so happy.
Now I am working in one of the best company in the world. It can be hard... but somehow I am glad. I can now help my parents paid their bills. I can buy my own stuff, which I used to think impossible. I travel whenever I can.
Looking back on my life... there are ups and downs.... but every single things that happened to me... shaped who I am today. I am blessed that I able to learn in every curve of my life. People who I met, People who I befriended, People who pissed me off.
Overall, I am still who I am.. I still like to imagine stuff, I still like to keep quiet.. IF I can.. I love to observe ppl, and I still enjoy learning...
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